My Stories: My Accident
I’ve been snow skiing since I was five years old. I was blessed each winter from the time I was seven or eight with a season pass as we lived all of five minutes from one of the local mountains. Growing up I would spend my entire weekend and every weeknight on the snow. I taught ski lessons through high school and volunteered with special olympics for 3 years. Nothing made me feel as free growing up than flying down the mountain on my skis and I was good at it.
Not long after I met my now partner, I moved back to my hometown so I could attend graduate school to get my Master’s in Business and he followed me a few months later. I told him before he joined me up there that in the winter if he wanted to see me he had to learn to ride something on snow. Just like when I was a child we spent most nights and weekends enjoying the freedom and childlike joy that skiing and snowboarding bring.
I learned early on in my childhood that disconnecting or disassociating from my body was how to survive. I did it without even realizing it at times. I would find huge black and blue bruises all over my body and would have no idea where they came from. Not listening to myself, my body, my intuition, my knowing, not taking care of myself became the norm. It was as if I was walking around on autopilot- going through the motions, but not really there.
When I was 23 the universe sent me a wake up call… I was skiing with my then boyfriend/now partner one Saturday- it had been snowing like crazy for weeks so there was tons of fresh powder and it was a sunshine bluebird day. We had been out for a few hours, racing each other down the slopes. I always won… The one area I could take him in and my competitive side lived for it. The last run I remember was down the main center slope of the mountain and my favorite, Big Apple. I loved how fast you could go and how wide it was for carving out big turns. I was going my usual pace- FAST, they estimate around 25-35mph- when I got my ski caught in a rut left by the groomer and could not get out before I was launched off the side of the mountain directly into the path of one of the poles that held up the chairlift. I left my body as soon as I realized what was coming for me- it was safer to let go than to try to fight and feel. Deep down though if I am being honest, I hoped that this was my time to go and I gave into it.
I came to face down on the ground, it was so bright and white. I no longer had on my goggles to protect my eyes from the sun beaming off the snow. I tried to push myself back up off the ground to ski down, but I couldn’t. My right leg wouldn’t move and all the sudden I felt an excruciating amount of pain come over me. I looked down to find my right foot right beside my head- toes pointing at me, and my leg bent half way up my thigh. All I could hear is screaming- my screams, the screams of those going above me noticing what shape I was in- screaming, lots and lots of screaming. For the first time in my recollection I reentered my body- I could feel the pain- there was no escaping it, I had to face it. I didn’t get the easy way out I had hoped for when I saw that pole coming at me… Moments later I was surrounded by ski patrol and my boyfriend who had run back up the mountain to try to find me after he realized I wasn’t right behind him and he saw the bottom of my skis on the side of the slope. Ski patrol had to cut my ski pants off so they could figure out which way to turn my leg to get it on the gurney to take me down the mountain. The ambulance was on the way.
I broke my right femur and shattered my right patella (knee cap). I needed a metal rod in my femur and for my knee the doctor was experimenting with screws and wires to put together the few pieces I had left of bone to avoid a total knee replacement. While I was waiting for surgery in the emergency room, my mom and dad were talking about who would stay with me that night. My dad was insisting that he would be the one and I could feel my mom giving in. Suddenly I snapped to and joined in the conversation assertive and maybe a bit panicked insisting that my boyfriend would be the one to stay with me that night and every other night until I was discharged. The color from my dad’s face drained and he walked out of the room. As he went my mom muttered under her breath “Strange look on his face, he knows he just lost you.” My whole body jerked, a familiarity, a knowing, a detail.
My boyfriend stayed with me all five nights in the hospital. I would wake up every few hours to ensure he was still there until daylight came. When it was time for discharge my parents were again having a conversation without me about where I would be staying- at my moms or my grandparents house. My dad wanted me at my grandmothers house, my mom wanted me with her. I again found myself barging into their conversation to insist that I would be going back to my own house with my boyfriend who would take care of me. I had no need to stay with them- I was an adult after all. If I had to rely on anyone to take care of me, anyone to keep me safe in this state, it was my boyfriend- my whole body told me so and I was listening.
For the first time in my adult life I had to be fully vulnerable with another person, I had to let down my guard to be helped in the ways I needed to be helped. My boyfriend (of not even a year at this time!) had to help me on and off the toilet, in and out of the shower, in and out of the bed, put on and take off my clothes, drive me to and from school and all other appointments, the list goes on. I was in a full leg brace and had to use either a wheelchair or crutches for the first few months after the accident. Before my accident I would only poop if he wasn’t in the house- now I had to have him take me to and then off the toilet to go for goodness sake. I never let anyone get this close to me- it wasn’t safe to let anyone get this close to me. To rely on someone else this much. To be this out of control. It wasn’t safe. And here I was having to rely on someone I had known less than a year for my safety, transportation, food, basic bodily functions and needs- all the things. I only felt safe when I was in control. I only felt safe when people needed me, not when I needed them. During my first shower I passed out- I woke twenty minutes later to the water off, my boyfriend holding up my dead weight because he couldn’t move me without hurting me- FINALLY someone I could trust to keep me safe… Someone who wouldn’t choose their own comfort over what’s best for me. Finally, I could start to relax…
ONE OF A KIND
You are one of a kind my dear.
We all are.
All here for a purpose,
a time,
a moment.
For this lesson is unlike any other.
As you are not like yesterday,
and your thoughts
are what tomorrow brings.
