My Stories: My Boyfriends
“You’ll be lucky to find anyone that will put up with you!”… It was something I was told regularly by my mother growing up. I had a lot of anger as a child. It led to a lot of rage filled fights and in the end I was always told it was me that was the difficult one and that I was hard to love. Something I have carried into every romantic and platonic relationship I have ever had.
My first “real” boyfriend was in 6th grade. He was also my first kiss. He dumped me about a week after our first kiss because I had love handles. Little did he know that I had been waiting on my mom to get her child support check from my dad so she could buy me pants that fit. I had just gone through a growth spurt.
My second boyfriend was the one that raped me…
My third boyfriend may not claim that he was, but to me it was real. I was 15 and he was 22. It was on and off for 3 years. Technically it was rape too, but at the time I didn’t see it that way. I thought I was sooo cool that someone so much older was interested in me. He would tell me that he was going to help me run away from my family. He would tell me he was going to rescue me from the hell I lived in. He told me he was going to save me… Instead all he did was hurt me over and over again. Humiliate me as he was one person behind closed doors and another when other people were around. The worst part was that I didn’t think I deserved better. I continued to go back time and time again after he hurt me. After his other girlfriend showed up at his house while I was there. After I found out she was pregnant, I stayed. After he refused to acknowledge me out in public at an event, I went back… I thought maybe that if I kept going back that maybe eventually I would be the one he would choose.
My forth boyfriend came in thinking he was saving me. I had a horrible reputation at school after my rape and no one in high school had shown any interest in me since my freshman year outside of guys in college and who I thought was one of my best friends. He was a year older than me, I met him during his senior year and we dated through my senior year of college. He was on both the varsity football and baseball teams which was a big deal at our high school. He was nothing like anyone I had ever dated, ran in a different crowd and his family had different values and morals than what I was raised with. I was so broken when I met him and I lost myself in the process. Lost who I was at my core. Lost my values, my morals, my dignity. I turned into a person I didn’t recognize inside or out in order to be loved. To feel some sort of belonging. To feel some sort of safety. My dad stayed away from me when I was with him, and that made me feel safe even when it wasn’t. I stayed silent as he belittled me in front of his friends. I stayed silent as he made comments about my eating and my body. I stayed silent while he critiqued everyone I let around me. I stayed silent while he reminded me what a slut I was and how lucky I was to have someone like him who would deal with someone like me. I stayed silent while he spewed bigoted ideology and in times participated. I lost myself in the madness of trying to survive. I lost myself in the madness of trying to be loved. I lost myself, until I had the courage to start find me again….
Core Beliefs Established
I am unworthy.
I am not valued.
I am someone to be ashamed of.
I am desperate to be loved.
“Way upon the mountain, where she died
All I ever wanted was your life
Deep inside the canyon, I can't hide
All I ever wanted was your life
I got dosed by you and
Closer than most to you and
What am I supposed to do
Take it away, I never had it anyway
Take it away and everything will be okay”
‘Dosed’ by Red Hot Chili Peppers
