My Journey to Motherhood: My Infertility
I thought it would be easy. It’s one of the most natural thing that we can do as humans is procreate. Every part of it shows the true magic that we are as human beings. My mom reminded me that she didn’t have any issues getting pregnant with me nor my bother, so there was no reason I should…
I got married early, we were both a few months shy of 25. Within a few months I was off birth control as the one thing Coleman and I always knew was that we wanted to be parents. Deep down though, I was terrified. Absolutely fucking terrified to my core to be a mom, especially to a little girl. Growing up I heard time and time again “One day I hope you have a little girl and she’s just like you so you know how horrible(/difficult/insert insult here) you are, it will be your karma” from my mom. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was so scared to have a child because I couldn’t control if it was a little girl and little girls in my mind were not safe- especially if they were like me. My subconscious knew exactly why this scared me, but my conscious mind did not in full. The first year I hoped I didn’t get pregnant, but by the end of it I was worried that I wasn’t getting pregnant.
I spent the next five years trying to get pregnant with medical assistance. First we tried medication to increase how many eggs I would ovulate each cycle and nothing. I was monitored to ensure I had multiple follicles and we would be told when to have sex. After 6 months of this being unsuccessful we moved to intrauterine insemination (IUI). We did five rounds of this before our fertility specialist said we needed to move on. At that time we were told we needed to do In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) or adopt. We were 27 with unexplained infertility. My body wouldn’t let me get pregnant, deep down my body believed being pregnant wasn’t safe.
For the next year we traveled, we lived our lives, we researched and explored our options. While I was not opposed to adoption, it’s complicated for all involved and traumatic for children. My husband and I didn’t want to go that route unless it was absolutely the only way we could be parents. I landed a job by this point with a company in a different state with laws that required medical insurance to pay for some of the IVF medications and procedures so we decided to move forward with that first.
Two cycles of IVF with over 20 embryos created, 4 implanted in me and nothing… Most of them didn’t make it past day 5. The few that did, didn’t survive the transfer to my uterus. I was devastated, we were devastated. Since Coleman and I met we had always talked about how much we wanted to have a family, how much we wanted to be parents, and here we were unable to do the one thing we should be able to do. Our bodies were built for this, I was made to create and yet I couldn’t.
Again we were faced with adoption, but I wasn’t ready to give up being pregnant. I could see myself pregnant, I had always wanted that experience, that bond. So we adopted embryos for another IVF transfer. It was the one and only time I got pregnant and it was with twins. Twin B lost its heartbeat at 9 weeks and twin A lost it’s at 10 weeks. I lost the first twin two days before we were to both be in a wedding as part of the wedding party. My boobs had swollen up two sizes and my ribs had expanded out, I could barely zip the bridesmaid dress that fit me perfectly two months prior.
The bride and groom lived across the country from their families so the day before the wedding there was a bridal shower. As one of the bridesmaids I was there early to set up the table with fun decorations. About two-thirds of the way into the shower I felt a distinct pain in my uterus and knew I had just lost the second twin. Its heartbeat had already started to slow before I left and my fertility doctor had warned me that it may happen. I went off to the bathroom to compose myself and check for blood. I came back out and tried to rejoin in the festivities, but I couldn’t. I told the bride quietly that I needed to go back to my hotel room to lay down.
The grooms mother and aunt were in the parking lot as I was walking out and stopped me immediately to question where I was going. I explained I needed to go back to my hotel room and that I would see them in a few hours at the rehearsal dinner. They questioned me more about why I needed to go and told me that I was making the day about myself instead of my friend. I started crying and told them I thought I had just miscarried my second twin and I needed some time to be alone. The grooms mother looked me in the eyes and said “We’ve all had a miscarriage, get over it and back in there.” I turned and walked to my car to go back to the hotel without another word while I wanted to scream at her “that while many women have also gone through this, most have not experienced what I had the 6 years prior trying to get pregnant so fuck you!”
I wish I could say that was the only time my infertility was thrown in my face, but there are too many times to count. A few friendships that I walked away from. A few people that may not ever understand why what they said was unforgivable without an apology or acknowledgment of their harsh judgements or words. I don’t know what the equivalent is for infertility as micro-aggression is to racism, but there’s a lot of that. A lot of “Oh I won’t have the same issues you do, I am a fertile myrtle” “I was scared to tell you I was pregnant” As if I would wish what I went through on my worst enemy.
I wasn’t always able to bite my tongue… Infertility brought out the worst of me from all angles at times. The drugs I was on for the cycles fucked with me, my anger was out of control. My emotional high and lows were unpredictable. I would find myself in the line at the grocery store wanting to scream if I felt like it was taking too long. I would pick fights with Coleman over all the smallest things I would previously have just let go.
My weight fluctuated while I was on and off cycles too. I was at my highest and my lowest during my infertility journey. At my highest was during IVF cycles as the medications really messed with my energy and foods that I could stomach. My lowest was after we were told that we would not be able to have biological children. I was at that point determined to be as skinny as I could possibly be- at the detriment of my physical and mental health. Ironically I received so many compliments from men when I was so tiny- saying I was the best that they had ever seen me- yet I was the most unhappy I had ever been in my life.
My need for external validation and social hierarchy was at an unhealthy high. I was insufferable at times to be around. I constantly talked about my job and alluded to the fact that I made a lot of money. I would only buy brand name clothing, shoes and bags. I would need to relate to people I interacted with to be liked- many times to the detriment of my own personality and comfort. At another friends wedding about a year prior to the other mentioned, I was at my lowest weight and worst mental state. I remember trying to relate to the bride as I was so intimidated by her and all of her friends- the bond they had that I was never able to cultivate with other women, the bond the bride had with her future in-laws and her own family. I felt like I didn’t belong. I had only known the bride for a short time, I was much closer to the groom. I felt like I wasn’t wanted or deserved to be there and my nerves along with everything else going on made me even more insufferable to be around. I remember making comments about how I bought Coleman a truck for his birthday, which I did, but wasn’t something to be talked about at the time nor in the way I did. I needed validation that I belonged with these “rich girls” and I was trying desperately to obtain it. Later that night I ran into one of the younger sisters of someone I grew up with. I knew she would be there from an earlier conversation, but the middle school girl in me took over when I saw her as I was one of the “cool girls” for a bit then and her group looked up to the group I ran with at the time. I said something along the lines of “Oh hey. I didn’t know you would be here” even though I did. I couldn’t tell you why at the time I did that, but now I know it was my own insecurity that I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t cool or lovable and I needed to feel “superior” in some way to feel like I deserved to be there too.
I don’t like to think about that part of myself. The negative side of me. The side that I am not proud of, but she exists. She is there due to a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, a lot of times being overlooked and not feeling loved in her own home with her own family. But that didn’t give me a right to be that way to others regardless of what I went through. At the time I couldn’t see it until after the fact, it was like I was watching from the outside watching a train wreck I couldn’t stop. The inadequacy that infertility brought out in me, brought out all the inadequacies I had ever felt in my life to the surface. Every time I felt like I didn’t belong or wasn’t good enough rose with it.
There was this cliff I drove by almost daily at the house we lived in while we went through all of this. It was in a very sharp L curve right after I got off the highway on the road that I turned off of to my neighborhood. I struggled a lot during those 5 years to stay alive. I struggled to keep the dark thoughts away, I struggled to not daydream about dying. As I would drive by this cliff in the curve, I would for a moment stay straight and make the turn at the last moment when I was alone in the car. I would close my eyes and imagine driving straight off and dying. I would imagine it all ending there. The only thing that kept me from going over were the cars on the highway on the other side, I didn’t want to hurt anyone else in the process, and my fear of not dying in the accident and being worse off than how I was the last accident I had. Life had always been difficult to continue to live for, but I always thought once I had my own family it wouldn’t be that way and now I wasn’t sure I would have that family at all. It was hard for me to find the purpose to continue to push on. I was ready to give up, again…
“There's a whole lot more for me waiting on the other side
I'm always wondering if it feel like summer
I know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other time
I'll finally discover
That there's a whole lot more for me waiting
That there's a whole lot more for me waiting
I know maybe I'm too late, I could make it there some other time
Then I'll finally discover
That it ain't that bad
Ain't so bad
Well, it ain't that bad
At least it don't gotta be no more
No more, no more, no more, no more”
- “Good News” by Mac Miller
Infertility Support Spell Jar
The Infertility Support Jar is set with the intention to help you with: protection of energy, removal and purification of negative energy and/or blockages, love, healing, sexual energy, courage, balance, stress, suppressed emotions, anxiety, depression, grounding, living consciously & joyously in the moment, lessening the restrictions you put on yourself and help reprogram false beliefs.
Ingredients:
Agrimony
Ladies mantle
Hyssop
Nettle
Fluorite crystal chips
Strawberry quartz crystal chips
Glass jar with natural top (cork, wood, etc.)
Candle or wax pellets (red and pink)
Incense
Adornment & string to attach it with (optional)
Examples: seashell, crystal, pendant
Wax seal/stamp (optional)
What to Do:
Start by opening up sacred space and asking your spirit team to assist you during the spell jar process
Create a circle of salt in a dish on your alter to surround your glass jar
Cleanse your glass jar with incense after it is placed in the center of the salt circle imagining all negative energies leaving the jar
Add ingredients 1 by 1 into the jar. As you work with each one ensure that you are placing the intentions (listed in the chart below) for each ingredient and thanking the spirit of the plant/flower/crystal you are working with
Once all ingredients are added, add top to bottle, place adornment (if needed) and seal with wax. While pouring wax place the following intentions:
Red wax= sexual energy, courage
Pink wax= love, balance, relieve depression
Set intentions while you are sealing the jar intuitively. Focus on healing issues preventing the achievement of dreams and protection along the way.
(optional) Stamp top of wax with seal
Close sacred space thanking your spirit team. Give organic ingredients back to the Earth safely and dispose of any others as appropriate.
Place the spell jar in the back left corner of your house for the best results!
Ingredient Metaphysical Properties:
Agrimony= Protection, breaking hexes, revering spells
Ladies Mantle= love
Hyssop= Purification of negative energies
Nettle= Protection, healing, purification
Fluorite= Draw off negative energies, stress reduction, brings suppressed feelings to surface for resolution, grounding
Strawberry Quartz= Anxiety, love into the heart, facilities living consciously + joyfully in the moment, lessen restrictions placed upon oneself, reprogram false beliefs
Download your FREE PDF of the spell in the shop! Not ready to make your own spell jar yet? You can purchase the Infertility Support jar here.
